Super Surreal Bowl
by: Matthew Stone  

Greetings fellow football watchers. Along comes “The Dead Zone.” That dreadful span of weeks following the end of football before baseball starts back up for the spring. My girlfriend loves this time of the year. In her opinion, it’s the only two weeks I really have my full attention on her. And after Sunday’s Super Bowl, maybe she was on to something.

To start, I must make this disclaimer. There was nothing normal about my Sunday evening experience. We gathered at the Hatch residence in the suburbs of Lansdale, Pa. with thoughts of good American beer, pizza, chips, and rock and roll. But, in the purest of Hatch traditions, everything about our little gathering had to be obscure. As I was cooking a batch of Rear-End Destruction Chili, we were rocking out to little known 60’s popsters, The Honeybus. And might I add, their song “I Can’t Let Maggie Go” is a little known masterpiece of pop. On to the snacks. Covering the table was an assortment of Asian candies, from jellies to crab candy. Crab candy
you may ask? Yeah, tiny little crabs, tasted like a mix between crabs (duh, they were real crabs) and caramel corn. It was more of an experience than a snack. And, finally, onto the obscure beer. I was downing the Vlo pretty good (in the Netherlands, the V is pronounced like an F, so I was really downing Flow). Right. That, and a bunch of other beers I couldn’t pronounce. But alas, it was nothing compared to the Grappa that me and Scott and Cakeator explored before the rest of the company showed up.

Before the game started, Mr. Hatch decided to entertain us with “Heavy Metal Parking Lot”, the cult classic documentary about heavy metal fans in the parking lot of a Judas Priest concert in the mid 80s. Classic. Some point during the film, a long-haired fellow was drinking a beer and sporting a rather tasty T-Shirt that simply pronounced to the world “F**k Off.” This is what followed.

Me: “Man, I’d love to have that shirt.”
Scott: “You mean, one like this???!!!” as he undoes his long sleeved shirt to expose the exact shirt that the fine long-haired fellow in the film was proudly displaying.
Me: “!!!” bouncing off of the walls thinking that I had lost my mind.
Me: (To Cake) Did that really just happen???
Cake: “Yes, yes it did.”
Me: “I think I’m losing my mind.”

This event, spurred on by the early influences of my fine friend Grappa, was the beginning of several mind blowing surreal events that eventually happened throughout the rest of the night. Let me see if I can make any sense of my notes.

*Did anyone else catch the pregame ceremonies dedicated to the Columbia flight crew. I was severely confused by that man child singing and then, an astronaut magically appearing on the stage. I scratched my head in wonder. But what happened next really blew my socks off. A close-up of Tom Brady’s package, modeled like Nigel Tufnel proudly sporting his pickle pants in “Spinal Tap.” Again, I asked Cakeator “Did that really just happen?” Yes. Yes it did.

*On the matter of Beyonce’s singing of the national anthem…
Scott: “What if she just said in the middle ‘Ahhh, F**k this country.”?
Cake: “I think they have a sniper on one of the towers for that situation.”

*On the matter of the early influence of friend Grappa.
Cake: “This better be a good first half, because you aren’t going to
remember the 2nd half at this rate.”

*On the matter of Rodney Peete. To stress how good Jake Delhomme was this year. Does anybody really think Carolina would even had made it to the playoffs if Rodney Peete was still at the helm???

*Did anybody else catch the Star Trek-like player intros? It was like “Beam me up Scottie, I’m Tom Brady.” Very confusing.

*Halfway through the first quarter, the phone rings. I pick it up (yes, I
do not live there) and answered…
Me: “Hatch House of Rock, may I help you?”
Other person: “Yeah, this is Justin, is Ed there?”
Me: “No.”
Justin (the “slow” kid who lives next door): “Yeah, can you tell him Justin called.”
Me: “Uh, sure.”
Scott: “Yeah, I think they sent Justin away to college. He told me the
other day, but he can’t remember the name of the college he is going to.”
Me: “I’m confused.”

Half an hour later...

Me: "Hatch House of Rock."
Caller: "Is Ed there?"
Me: "No."
Caller: "This is Andrew's (the creep kid who lives next door)Grandma. Can you tell him I called."
Me: ???????

What would the neighbor kid's grandma be calling over there for? I mean, for real? I really want to know.

*The next half hour was dedicated to listening to the Grandaddy joke band, “Arm of Roger.” I won’t even explain it here. Just karate chop that…

*The game continues as a defensive struggle. I am not surprised by this.

*A commercial comes on for some movie about The Alamo. Mike Stichter ponders “I wonder how that one is going to end.” And he’s got a point there. You know that film is destined to be a hit. Think of every movie that we already knew the ending of before we saw the movie. Titanic, Lord of The Rings, the Star Wars prequels. All box office hits. I guess the audience doesn’t want to be surprised.

*On the matter of Adam Vinatieri’s second missed field goal:
Scott: “If he had been on Levitra, that woulda been right through the tire.”

*How impressive was that last minute drive at the end of the first half by the Panthers. Up to that point, they had been held to negative yards. Then, they start at their own 5 yard line and drive 95 yards for a touchdown. That’s why I love football.

*On the matter of Carolina’s uniforms:
Willis: “Man, Carolina has the gayest socks I’ve ever seen.”

*On the matter of John Kasay’s field goal attempt to end the first half:
Me: “If he hits this, he’s on Levitra.” IT’S GOOD!!!!

*On the matter of the halftime show:
Everyone in the room simultaneously: “What is that thing playing drums for Kid Rock?”

*You know, I can’t really say too much about this game. You were there, you saw it. It was a fantastic game, perhaps the best Super Bowl I have seen in my lifetime (yes, I was too young to remember the first Niners-Bengals match-up). I will say this though. Every single person on both teams deserved the MVP trophy. Despite the media’s attempts to make this a game of individuals, where only the superstars receive due attention, Sunday’s game showed that this is truly a team sport. Tom Brady will get all the pub, but his O-Line, Mike Vrabel, Deion Branch, David Givens, Jake Delhomme,
Mushin Muhammad, Steve Smith, Ricky Proehl, Antwoin Smith DeShaun Foster (not to be confused with Barry Foster) and Adam Vinatieri all proved they belong on the NFL’s highest platform.

*In the end, I can’t really say that I was rooting for anything more than an exciting game. If for the sake on anything, to prove the networks wrong. That you can have two teams filled with roll players and still have an exciting game. I’ll tell you what. Watch out for Jake Delhomme next year. He’s the real deal. So are the Panthers. They are a team on the upswing. And, ahead of their window of opportunity that is the ever present reality of the NFL.

*And how perfect was Rod “He Hate Me” Smart set up to be one of the most amazing folk heroes of our lifetime. I was calling it. John Kasay boots the ball out of bounds. I call it. “The Patriots will score a long field goal, and leave enough time for a kick-off to He Hate Me. He Hate Me will run it back for a touchdown, and become the stuff of legends.” And it looked like that was going to happen. The Patriot’s kicked a field goal to take the lead with what, 4 seconds left? The kick-off was up. And then my dreams were shattered as the returner was tackled ten yards into the play. I don’t even know if it was He Hate Me or not. I was stunned. I was positive He Hate Me was going to be the hero. Well, he still is, in my own mind.

posted [02.06.04]

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Matt Stone likes to cook, collect obscure records and break strings on his guitar. E-mail him at kingmatthew76@hotmail.com

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